[He hadn't known how hard acceptance could hit until he's hearing it through the phone to his ear, his hand still over the mic to hide the sounds he's trying desperately not to make, choked little noises that click his throat and ache like strep. His cheeks are wet.
Complicated and unfair. Life, all of it, from the top down, no one making it out without scars and holes. Some just get the real shit end of the stick, like Lennie. He'd never understood that. Never will to the day he dies.
No good options. One of the more ragged sounds breaks through the muffle. He curls in tighter on himself and drops his hand away from the phone to bring the gin bottle up to his chest for a crush of cold, curved glass. Pain to counter what's happening to his throat and that trapped feeling rearing its head from recent memory, how his mind had raced circles like a wildcat in a tight cage with only one inevitable end facing him down no matter where he turned.
Understandable.]
Naw. Naw, please don't... Don't say that. God.
[His voice is so twisted and thick he isn't sure how much of that she could understand, if any. He tips his head back against the wall, mouth open to gulp shallow breaths.]
I don't know how to...
[He can't let himself have that with Lennie in the ground and so much of it his fault. That realization is enough to give him hold of himself and swallow past the knot. His voice is steadier now.]
You're a good person. I 'preciate you hearin' me out. But I gotta go. I'm sorry.
[He taps the button to end the call. Lifts the bottle in the dark. Burning comfort is the only kind he knows what to do with.]
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rosecarmine
(no subject)
Date: 2022-06-23 10:58 pm (UTC)Complicated and unfair. Life, all of it, from the top down, no one making it out without scars and holes. Some just get the real shit end of the stick, like Lennie. He'd never understood that. Never will to the day he dies.
No good options. One of the more ragged sounds breaks through the muffle. He curls in tighter on himself and drops his hand away from the phone to bring the gin bottle up to his chest for a crush of cold, curved glass. Pain to counter what's happening to his throat and that trapped feeling rearing its head from recent memory, how his mind had raced circles like a wildcat in a tight cage with only one inevitable end facing him down no matter where he turned.
Understandable.]
Naw. Naw, please don't... Don't say that. God.
[His voice is so twisted and thick he isn't sure how much of that she could understand, if any. He tips his head back against the wall, mouth open to gulp shallow breaths.]
I don't know how to...
[He can't let himself have that with Lennie in the ground and so much of it his fault. That realization is enough to give him hold of himself and swallow past the knot. His voice is steadier now.]
You're a good person. I 'preciate you hearin' me out. But I gotta go. I'm sorry.
[He taps the button to end the call. Lifts the bottle in the dark. Burning comfort is the only kind he knows what to do with.]